


Ultramarine

by VanillaKiss



Category: BTOB
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Music, Friends to Lovers, Guitars, Indie Music, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23445712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaKiss/pseuds/VanillaKiss
Summary: There is an old classroom on the second floor. One would think the door is locked since the classroom hasn’t been used for ages. Only a few students know it’s actually open but most of those would never dare to go in.Here is the thing. If you push the door hard enough, it’ll open and you can go inside.And that’s how our story began.
Relationships: Jung Ilhoon/Yook Sungjae
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

There is an old classroom on the second floor. One would think the door is locked since the classroom hasn’t been used for ages. Only a few students know it’s actually open but most of those would never dare to go in.

Here is the thing. If you push the door hard enough, it’ll open and you can go inside. 

And that’s how our story began.

An angry seventeen-year-old boy, not finding his place in this world accidentally opened it. It wasn’t even his intention to go in. He was just too angry and kicked the door since it was the closest thing to him. And it opened wide.

This boy named Jung Ilhoon just stood there in shock. At first, his mind couldn’t even process the music that was coming from the classroom. He walked by this door a few times when he went to the school library, but he thought the door was locked. There were only three classrooms and the library on that floor. Two of the classrooms were used by the art club and the music club every Tuesday and Friday. The third one was supposed to be locked since no one used it in ages.

“Hi,” he heard a voice.

He peeked inside, his heart hammering in his chest. He heard some rumors about this classroom. Rumors like someone was killed in there and that’s why no one uses it anymore or that someone killed themselves in that classroom and his ghost is still haunting there.

A boy around his age waved at him, a guitar in his lap. He didn’t seem transparent, so he couldn’t be a ghost. _Or could he?_ Ilhoon never saw one, he couldn’t be sure that ghosts are really transparent. The boy wasn’t floating in the air, but still, what if ghosts can’t float at all? What if they are like us, just with more hatred toward the world? But if ghosts are invisible, and that boy is a ghost, then Ilhoon has the ability to see ghosts _and that sounds terrible._ Ilhoon didn’t want to be The Chosen One who helps the ghosts find peace and leads them to the other world.

“They’ll discover us if you just stand there,” the boy said. “Come in! And close the door behind you!”

Ilhoon nodded and did what the other boy asked. He stepped inside and closed the door. He looked around, not sure what to expect. Dust, old furniture, _blood maybe._ A corpse would probably be too much. But to his biggest disappointment - or relief -, it was like any other classroom. Maybe with more dust. 

The boy sat under the window, leaning against the wall. He walked closer to him. “Are you…” he stopped himself before he could say the word _ghost_. That couldn’t be true. Ghosts don’t exist, after all.

“I’m Sungjae. Yook Sungjae.” His smile was something else. Maybe he really was from another world.

“Jung Ilhoon.” He sat down on a chair in front of Sungjae. “Were you playing the guitar?”

Sungjae nodded and started playing again.

“What ist his song? It’s my first time hearing it,” Ilhoon leaned closer, following the other boy’s fingers with his eyes.

“It’s not really a song. I just play any random melody that comes to my mind,” Sungjae replied, and started humming. “Why did you kick the door?”

“I-” Ilhoon turned red. He was hoping no one saw it. “I just…”

Sungjae chuckled. “You can tell me.”

“Family issues, I guess,” Ilhoon said. “And you? Why are you here?”

“A transferred here not long ago, and how should I say it?” He stopped playing. “I don’t really get along with my classmates? Not like I’m trying though.”

“Then no wonder you don’t get along. Why don’t you try and make some friends?”

“I tried in the first few days, but they didn’t seem to accept me. So I thought, why am I even trying?” He placed his guitar next to him.

Ilhoon bit his lip. “My father wants to remarry.” This was the first time he said it out loud. And it sounded worse than in his head. “I don’t really like her new girlfriend, to be honest.”

“I see,” Sungjae said. “What kind of music do you like?”

Ilhoon raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know, I listen to many different genres.”

“There is this indie band I really like. They’re playing at Lapis Lazuli this Saturday. Would you like to come with me?” Ilhoon wondered how could Sungjae invite him this confidently when he himself would probably be a stuttering mess. Only if he would have the courage to invite someone he just met moments ago, of course.

“I don’t know.” He averted his gaze. “I don’t know them. I would feel too out of place, wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t think so?” Sungjae shrugged. “Wait a minute, I’ll show you some of their songs. They’re pretty good.” He took his phone in his hand and started typing. “Here you go,” he gave the phone and his earphone to Ilhoon.

“Ultramarine?” Ilhoon asked after reading the band’s name.

He was unsure at first but then decided to give it a try. He listened to five or six songs, each of them was pretty good. While listening to them, Sungjae told a few things about the band. Ultramarine was a four-member band. There was a vocalist who sometimes played the guitar, a guitarist, a bassist, and a drummer. They had been friends since high school and formed the band two years ago at Lapis Lazuli.

“Have you ever thought about forming a band?” Ilhoon asked curiously and gave back the phone.

Sungjae shook his head. “I’m not that good.” He stood up. “We should go back.”

Ilhoon wanted to ask more, but just nodded and followed Sungjae out of the classroom. They went down on the stairs, but before Ilhoon could go back to his class, Sungjae grabbed him by his hand and pulled him back. He leaned closer which made Ilhoon blush and uncomfortably stepping back.

“On Saturday. Around five.” He released his hand. “Can’t wait to meet again!” Sungjae turned around and walked away.

Ilhoon just stood there, dumbfounded. “What the hell had just happened?” he murmured to himself. He went into his classroom and sent a text to his friend.

“Where the hell is Laputa?”


	2. Chapter 2

Saturday came sooner than Ilhoon wanted. He still couldn't decide if he should go or not. He didn’t even know Sungjae, they only met once. He tried to think about why on earth would someone invite a person he just met to watch together a live performance of a band this person never heard of before. But he couldn’t come up with an answer. It was too suspicious.

His friend, Seo Eunkwang told him where Lapis Lazuli was located. Eunkwang went there a few times before he broke up with his boyfriend who used to work there. It was a café that invited four or five indie bands to perform every Monday, Friday, and Saturday. On Thursdays and Tuesdays, writers and poets with self-published books read from their works and the customers could buy their own copies on those days. On Wednesdays and Sundays, there were exhibitions for example of paintings, sculptures, or photographs.

“Are you really going?” Eunkwang asked. He was a few years older than Ilhoon but this age gap was literally non-existent between them.

“I don’t know,” Ilhoon replied and pulled out another t-shirt. “What do you think about this one?”

“You’re not sure if you want to go, but you’re preparing for it like it’s a date.” Eunkwang laughed, hugging a pillow.

“I know, I just… I don’t know.” He sighed. “I’m an idiot.”

“Yes, you are,” Eunkwang agreed. “So? Are you going?”

He took a deep breath. “Yeah.”

Eunkwang laughed. “It’s been a while since the last time you went on a date, huh?”

“It’s not a date,” He blushed. “Also, I went on only one date in my whole life.” He scowled. “And even that one was with a girl.”

“Yeah, but look, at least you found out you liked boys and not girls,” he suggested.

An hour later, Ilhoon was already on his way. He went there by bus and arrived a few minutes before five. Sungjae was already there, waving at him with both of his hands, a wide smile on his face. Ilhoon already thought he looked good in his uniform but in casual clothes? _Magnificent._

“Hi!” He greeted him. “I wasn’t sure if you would come but I’m glad you’re here.” He looked Ilhoon up and down, then cleared his throat, turning his head away. “Come in,” he showed the way and Ilhoon followed him.

What Eunkwang hadn’t told him was the fact that Lapis Lazuli was an underground café. You had to go down on the stairs and a new world unfolded before you. The walls were blue, the tables, and chairs brown and black. There were paintings on the walls and many, many instruments in one room next to the exit.

“Ultramarine is playing from six, so we still have time.” As soon as Sungjae finished his sentence, three guys and two girls appeared on the small stage. They greeted the audience and started playing.

Sungjae led Ilhoon to a table and ordered two iced coffees. They had a perfect view of the stage. It took Ilhoon almost twenty minutes to feel relaxed. They didn’t talk in the beginning, just sat there in complete silence. Ilhoon even thought that it would have been better not to come. Sungjae and he were two different worlds. Maybe Sungjae could enjoy this, but Ilhoon couldn’t. 

“They are good,” Ilhoon said when the silence became too uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I heard them a few times. They’ve been playing music for five or six years if I remember well.” There was joy in his voice. He seemed excited like this was a topic he really loved to talk about. Ilhoon thought, maybe if this gap wouldn’t be there then Sungjae would talk about this kind of thing more freely. But wasn’t it too early to close that gap? When is the perfect time for two strangers to talk about more personal interests? Or talking about these interests would be what could close that gap?

“What’s their name?” He asked, encouraging Sungjae to talk more.

“Stardust,” he replied, not taking his eyes off of the stage.

“That girl can sing,” Ilhoon noted. “Her voice is very nice.”

Stardust was a five-person band, one of the two girls was the vocalist, the other girl played the drum. There was also a bassist, a keyboardist, and a guitarist. Most of their songs were about unrequited love.

“The next band is a new band, I’m not sure about their names,” Sungjae said, leaning back in his seat.

“Do you come here often?” Ilhoon glanced at the other boy. Sungjae seemed to know a lot about these bands.

“Well, every week since I moved here,” Sungjae said and turned to Ilhoon. This was the first time he looked at him since Stardust started playing.

“When did you move here?” Ilhoon asked.

“Two months ago.” Sungjae turned back to the stage. “This is the only place that doesn’t feel suffocating.”

Ilhoon opened his mouth to say something but didn’t know what to say. Sungjae did say that he didn’t get along well with his classmates but Ilhoon didn’t think it was this bad. He realized he was probably the first person Sungjae invited to somewhere since he moved here.

“It made me really happy when you actually showed up,” Sungjae said. “I was brave when I asked you if you would like to come but after that, I was very afraid. I couldn’t stop thinking about what you might think of me. Was I too pushy? Did I seem like some creepy guy?”

“To be honest, I didn’t think any of those,” Ilhoon followed the next band’s guitarist with his eyes as she ran into a room. “I thought you might be playing with me. That it’s just some prank and I’ll see myself in some silly youtube video.” The guitarist ran back, waving a paper in his hand. He gave it to the vocalist who placed it in front of the barstool she planned to sit on while performing.

“That’s probably the tracklist,” Sungjae said. “They’re around our age,” he added.

Ilhoon wondered if Sungjae liked one of them or found them attractive. He thought about asking him what his type was but changed his mind. He sank back in his seat and waited for the three girls to start playing.

They missed the first half of the vocalist’s speech so their name remained a mystery. They mostly sang about finding yourself, being brave and showing to the world who you really are.

“Despite being this young, they can write some powerful lyrics,” Ilhoon commented, and Sungjae nodded in agreement.

“I wish I could write lyrics,” Sungjae sighed. “Ah, I’m so envious.”

“Do you write lyrics?” Ilhoon raised his eyebrows. Sungjae seemed more serious about music than he had previously thought.

“I tried to write, but they were tragic,” he said, clapping as the girls bowed. “The next is Ultramarine,” he sounded very excited. Ilhoon couldn’t help but smile at this.


	3. Chapter 3

Ultramarine was great. Ilhoon had listened to all of their songs previously but they played some he had never heard. He thought they must be new ones since Sungjae also seemed surprised and listened to them more eagerly than the others.

Ilhoon looked them up that morning in case he decided to go. Lee Changsub was the vocalist, Im Hyunsik the guitarist, Lee Minhyuk the bassist and Peniel the drummer. They were a few years older than him and formed the band two years ago. They had met at a music store and realized they were from the same high school so they started hanging out together. They played music at Hyunsik’s place since his father was also a musician and his house was the most suitable for it and had the most equipment they needed. They wrote songs about their experiences. Most of them were about failing relationships, breakups, loneliness, getting lost in life. 

Now that he heard those songs about loneliness again, his first thought was Sungjae. Did he resonate with those songs? Could he see himself in those songs? There were so many questions he wanted to ask but he didn’t want to bother Sungjae. Not now when he was enjoying himself this much.

“That’s one of my favorite songs,” he said when the band started playing another one. Ilhoon recognized it, though he wasn’t sure about the title. It was about a relationship that had been failing for a while now but neither of them wanted to let the other go.

After the last song, when they were clapping and cheering for the band, he realized he was watching Sungjae almost the whole time. He couldn’t help it, there was something captivating about him. Sungjae was adorable, murmuring the lyrics, eyes sparkling, moving his legs to the rhythm.

Ultramarine thanked again to the audience, bowed, and left the stage, waving their hands. They seemed very nice and honest. Ilhoon could tell, for them, it wasn’t about popularity. They just loved music.

Sungjae sighed, the smile not fading away. It had been there ever since Ultramarine appeared on the stage. 

“There are two more bands. Do you want to stay, or…?” He turned to Ilhoon.

“I don’t know. Do you want to stay?”

Sungjae thought for a moment then shook his head. “We could walk a little and talk if you want to,” he suggested. The next group went on the stage.

“Okay,” Ilhoon nodded and went to pay for his drink. Sungjae didn’t let him, he insisted to pay since he was the one who invited Ilhoon. 

They went up on the stairs, passing a group of young men. The sun was too bright, Ilhoon had to close his eyes for a moment.

“What do you think?” Sungjae asked as they started walking. Ilhoon didn’t know where are they are heading, he just followed the other boy.

“I enjoyed it,” Ilhoon said. “I was very nervous at first but I really enjoyed it.”

“Would you like to come again?” Sungjae asked, staring in front of him. Ilhoon didn’t miss his ears turning red.

“If I don’t bother you, then yes.”

“You would never.” Sungjae pouted and stopped by a bench. “Let’s talk here!”

They sat down, Ilhoon half-facing Sungjae, Sungjae sitting straight. It was somehow awkward like there had been a wall between them they had to break down to make this awkwardness disappear.

“That was the first time someone came with me,” Sungjae said. “Though, you probably figured it out.”

Ilhoon nodded. “I’m actually glad I came. Thank you for inviting me.” He bit his lip. “How did you find this place?”

“I-” His mouth twitched. “It was on the third day after school,” he started uncertainty. “I didn’t want to go home yet so I was just wandering aimlessly when I heard some people talking about a weird-named café that’s underground. They said the music is really good there. They were actually on their way to Lapis Lazuli so I followed them. At first, I thought this must be some bar and they won’t let me in since I’m still underage.” He let out a small laugh. “I went in, then went down on those stairs, and it was like a new world unfolded before my eyes. A world I had never known before. This probably sounds cheesy, sorry, but at that moment I felt this. I ordered a coffee and sat down, not really knowing why am I even there. Then four guys went on the stage and started playing and…” he paused like he wasn’t sure if he should tell all these details to a stranger - _or almost stranger._ Ilhoon waited patiently. “I cried.”

Ilhoon unconsciously patted the other boy’s shoulder. Sungjae took a deep breath.

“Have you ever listened to Wildfire?” he asked.

They haven’t played that song today but Ilhoon remembered that one. “Yeah.” It was a song about not knowing what to do in your life and not finding your place no matter where you go but trying to change and find meaning in life.

“That was the first song they played on that day. And I just sat there, crying. One of the waitresses noticed it and gave me some tissues. It was humiliating but I felt so refreshed after that.” He looked at Ilhoon. “I held back my tears ever since I got in the car at home. I mean my old home.” He held out his hand. “I was satisfied with my life. I liked my school, had friends.” He let his hand fall back into his lap. “Maybe I tried too hard and it felt unnatural, I don’t know. I really tried everything I can to make friends. But I don’t even care anymore. I can go to that classroom anytime. That's enough for me.”

“Do you go there every day?” Ilhoon asked.

“Mostly. Why?”

“I-” He looked away. He wouldn’t be able to say it while looking at Sungjae. “I went there on Thursday. The day after we met.”

“Ah, Thursday!” Sungjae clapped. “I didn’t go there on Thursday.” His mouth curved into a smile. “But if I knew you went there…”

Ilhoon blushed. “Anyways, if you want to, we could meet there.”

“Really?” Sungjae asked, delighted. 

“Yeah, I actually...” Ilhoon sighed. He left the sentence hanging in the air.

Sungjae didn’t ask what he wanted to say, just like Ilhoon who waited patiently for Sungjae to tell him his story, not demanding to know more than Sungjae felt comfortable telling him. He changed the topic instead. “Ultramarine is going to perform next Saturday. Do you want to come?”

“Of course!”


	4. Chapter 4

“So? How was your Laputa date?” Eunkwang asked, leaning closer to Ilhoon. He was half-sitting, half-lying on Ilhoon’s bed.

“It wasn’t a date,” Ilhoon rolled his eyes. He placed his pencil on his book.

Eunkwang had been asking the same question since Saturday night. Two days had passed already, and it seemed _“great”_ as an answer wasn’t enough for him.

“Okay, I don’t care if it was a date or not, I just want details,” he took a pillow in his hands, and hugged in tightly. “Every time I asked you, you always texted great, or the band was good.”

“I went there for the music, I don’t know what you want to know then.” He tossed his book away. He was planning to study but Eunkwang suddenly showed up. _The disadvantage of being neighbors._ “By the way, did you come over, hoping I would tell you more?”

“Well, yes,” Eunkwang admitted. “So?”

“The bands were great. The music was good. It was a nice place. Your ex was there.”

“He was there!?” Eunkwang exclaimed. “I thought he already quit. Is he still working there?”

“He went there as a customer.” He turned around to face his friend. “He was with some pretty boy.”

“That was probably his new boyfriend,” Eunkwang clenched his fists. “That asshole.”

Ilhoon let out a laugh. “Which one?”

“Both of them.” He punched the pillow then hugged it again. “Will you go there again?”

“Yeah, we’re going on Saturday.” He enjoyed Eunkwang’s reaction more than he expected.

“Oh?”

“And,” he grinned, knowing the other news would make Eunkwang even more curious, “I’m going to meet him tomorrow at school. We have this secret place,” he emphasized the words secret place, “and we agreed to meet there sometimes.”

He was full of confidence when he said those words and acted like it was nothing. But when he had to go inside that classroom, his confidence suddenly flew away. 

He knocked on the door twice. That was the sign to let the other know it’s them who want to go in. Ilhoon entered the classroom, a smile or more like a grimace on his face.

“Hi,” Sungjae said with a smile, and suddenly all his worries disappeared.

Sungjae had his guitar again. Ilhoon sat down next to him and watched as he played. It was the same song he played when they first met. He liked this song, even though it was short and Sungjae just repeated the same melody continuously.

“How was your day?” Sungjae asked.

“Terrible,” Ilhoon groaned. “Yours?”

“Terrible.”

They smiled at each other. It was still kind of uncomfortable but not as bad as before.

“Why don’t you write lyrics for this song?” Ilhoon asked, observing Sungjae.

“I can’t write” was all he said before he started humming the same melody.

They sat there for a few minutes. Sungjae playing on his guitar, Ilhoon staring at the wall, then slowly closing his eyes. Something had troubled him in the past few days. Lately, he had been feeling too exhausted even to breathe. A part of him wanted to tell his worries to someone who'd be kind enough to listen to him but his other part was too scared to say anything. He had too much to lose if he'd tell everything.

Sungjae noticed how tired he looked. “You can tell me everything,” he broke the silence. “I’ll listen.”

Ilhoon looked confused at first but then he understood what Sungjae meant by that. Those words surprised him and it felt like Sungjae had just read his mind. Or was it this obvious? Was his despair this noticeable? _Should he tell it Sungjae,_ he wondered. But when he thought about his problem, he felt like it was nothing compared to other’s problems. He was afraid others would just laugh at him if he told them what troubled him.

His face dropped. “My father is going to announce their engagement tonight. He planned a family dinner and invited my grandparents and his siblings with their families,” he said. “And of course, his girlfriend’s family will be there as well.”

“You don’t like her, right?” Sungjae asked curiously. “Did she do something to you?”

“I-” Ilhoon sighed. “Ever since they started dating it feels like my father forgot about me.” He lowered his head. “My mother left us when I was ten. She has a new family now. I’ve been living with my father since then. And last year, I noticed that he didn’t sleep home every night. When I asked him where he had been spending those nights, he said he wanted to tell me this anyway, but he had a girlfriend. They were still discussing when they should tell me this but since I found out, they had to tell me sooner than they wanted.” Sungjae stopped playing and turned to Ilhoon. “She’s twenty-seven.” He clenched his fist.

Sungjae’s lips formed an o. “Ah, but look, I don’t think that’s a big age gap.”

“She has a five-year-old daughter. And my father cares more about her than about me.” He pouted. He hated himself for being jealous of a five-year-old kid but he couldn't help it. He had noticed how his father bought everything to her and even though he knew it was to make her like him and accept him as his new dad, he thought it was unfair. Ilhoon knew that buying her everything and doing what she asks would just spoil her. “Forget everything I said,” he stood up. “I’m going back.”

Sungjae grabbed his hand before he could leave. “This is not all, is it? There is more you don’t want to tell me.” He pulled the other boy back. “But even if that’s all, I won’t judge you for feeling this way.”

Ilhoon didn’t look at him, he fixed his gaze on his feet. “I’m being childish, I know.”

“But you're a kid, aren't you?” Sungjae said. "How old are you, by the way?”

“Seventeen,” Ilhoon replied and pressed his lips together. He just wanted to leave. He already regretted telling all of these. Only Eunkwang knew about his situation and that was more than enough.

“Wait, you’re older than me?” Sungjae asked surprised.

Ilhoon turned back with a sudden movement. Sungjae was still holding his hand, his thumb gently caressing his bare wrist.

“I’m sixteen,” he said.

Ilhoon sat back in front of him. They studied each other for a minute. This was the first time they noticed things like how plump Sungjae’s lips were or the constellation of moles on Ilhoon’s face.

“Hyung.”

“Sungjae.”

“Hyung, your feelings are valid.” He took the older boy's other hand in his hands and squeezed them gently. “Look, we’re pretty similar. I also think I shouldn’t feel like this. My parents wanted to move into a new house for a while now so I knew it would happen sooner or later.” He glanced at their hands. “Maybe they don't accept me because I also don't want to accept them. Maybe I'm rebelling this way against my situation. I wanted to fit in so I did everything I could. But you know, I think I gave up too soon.”

“Your situation is more difficult than mine. I would probably feel the same way you do if we had to move somewhere else.” He pulled his hands away and stood up. “Will you be here tomorrow?”

Sungjae nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

“When did you learn to play the guitar?” Ilhoon asked.

They were sitting under the window again. When Ilhoon arrived, Sungjae was already there.

“A few years ago,” he replied. “But I stopped because I lost interest.”

“I wanted to ask this before,” Ilhoon started. “Is this your guitar? On the first day, when we left together, you left it here.”

“I found it here. I don’t know whose guitar this is, but no one uses it anymore,” Sungjae said. “A forgot a lot,” he started playing a popular song. “But I’m not that terrible anymore. If you’d have heard me on the first few days…” He chuckled. “You know, when I think back, I don’t know why did I quit.” He looked at Ilhoon. “How was dinner?”

“Everyone was happy.” He reached out his hand and touched the strings. “Do you have any siblings?”

“I have an older sister,” Sungjae said. He took Ilhoon’s hand in his and run his fingers over the strings. “I’ll teach you.” His face lit up.

“You teach me what?” Ilhoon exclaimed. He pulled his hand away and covered his chest with both.

“How to play,” Sungjae gave him the instrument. “You’ll enjoy it.”

“I don’t think so,” Ilhoon gave it back. “Listening to you is more than enough to me.” He stood up, stepping away from the window before someone would notice him from the schoolyard. He went to the blackboard and started drawing with the chalk that had been left there.

“Can you draw?” Sungjae asked.

“No,” Ilhoon shook his head.

“What are you drawing?” Sungjae tried to take a peek but Ilhoon hid it from him with his body.

“Give me some background music,” Ilhoon said.

“What song?”

“The one you always play.” He bit his lip, concentrating on his art.

Sungjae started playing again. The song filled the whole classroom. It was a happy melody, something you’d like to listen to when you want to cheer yourself up or want to feel excited.

Ilhoon glanced back for a few times and every time he did it, his eyes met with Sungjae’s. They gave each other an encouraging smile. It was only Ilhoon who turned back, Sungjae’s eyes never left Ilhoon. He could feel that gaze when he was facing the blackboard. _It was somehow exciting._

“Here you go,” Ilhoon said once he finished drawing. He stepped aside so the other boy could see it.

Sungjae burst out laughing. “Is that me?” he asked, or more like shouted.

“Yeah,” Ilhoon put the chalk back. “Glad you recognized yourself.”

“I only recognized myself because you always glanced at me while drawing. It’s sitting and it has a guitar.” He placed the instrument next to him. “Wait, it that a guitar?” He stood up and went closer. “It’s a masterpiece,” he bumped into Ilhoon. He took his phone out of his pocket and took a picture of it.

Ilhoon watched Sungjae laughing at his phone before he typed something. Ilhoon got anxious for a moment. He thought Sungjae sent the picture to his friends and now they’re laughing at him.

_I’m so lame,_ he thought and even considered leaving and never coming back when Sungjae reached out his hand with his phone in it. It was a picture of some birds flying away in the cloudy sky and with some text on it. He took a close look and noticed the name _Ultramarine_.

“Their new songs,” Sungjae smiled widely. He was just as excited as he had been on Saturday. “They already played three of them. And if we’re lucky, they’ll play the other three this Saturday.” He locked his phone and slipped it into his pocket. “Tell me if I’m too much. I can talk a lot about things I like.”

“You’re not at all,” Ilhoon waved his hand. “You can talk about them as much as you want.” He turned his head away. “It’s pretty cute.”

“Oh,” Sungjae blushed and turned his head away as well. “I started learning Wildfire on guitar,” he changed the topic. “Do you want to hear it?”

“Yes, of course!”

They sat back, still avoiding eye contact. Sungjae cleared his throat and started playing.

“It’s not perfect,” he said shyly. “You’re the first one I show it.” He bit his lip. “Oh, and probably the only one,” he added.

Ilhoon observed him closely. Sungjae’s face became serious as soon as he started playing. Seeing his stiff body, Ilhoon could tell Sungjae was nervous playing in front of him. He probably did everything he could to not make any mistake.

Sungjae took a deep breath, then released it. _And started singing._

Ilhoon’s jaw dropped. He only heard Sungjae humming before and he couldn’t tell if his voice was good or not. But now he was speechless. Wildfire suited to his voice so well, it was like the song was made for him to sing it. He could imagine Sungjae singing this kind of song on Lapis Lazuli’s stage.

He couldn’t describe what he felt at that moment. He just sat there, lips forming an O, his heart thumping in his chest. Sungjae closed his eyes halfway through the song. It wasn’t perfect but Ilhoon didn’t expect it to be. Still, it was fascinating.

“I really like your voice,” Ilhoon said after Sungjae finished it. “I’d have never thought your voice was this good.”

“Thanks,” Sungjae said, flustered. “I’m not really confident when it comes to my voice.” He let out a relieved sigh. He started playing his song again, not being able to maintain eye contact with the other boy. “What’s your favorite Ultramarine song?” He shook his head. “Sorry, I feel like I’m forcing them on you.”

“No, no, no!” Ilhoon held his hands up.

“I got told many times that when it comes to my favorite topics, I just can’t shut up.”

“But isn’t it good?” Ilhoon wondered. “You have something you can be passionate about.” He smiled gently at the other boy. “My favorite is probably Incomplete. Though, I’m not really sure,” he paused. “I like Something to Lose and When We Grow Up too.”

“Incomplete, huh?”

“I didn’t like it at first but I can’t stop listening to it since Saturday,” he explained. “Other songs you like?”

“When We Grow Up, It’s Autumn Again, Color Me.” He rested his chin on his palm. “Starting Again,” he added. “Those are my absolute favorites.”

Ilhoon wasn’t surprised by this. When We Grow Up was about the youth not finding their place in this world and wondering about the time when they’ll be grown-up. Will this constant loneliness be with them? Will they be finally understood? What will change? Will their brightness become dull?

It’s Autumn Again was about a failing relationship. This relationship was like the seasons, it started like spring, brought them happiness and warmth like summer, then problems came and the love started withering until it became cold like winter. Still, none of them could let the other go so they stayed in this frozen love until something happened and it started warming up again. But as time passed, autumn came again in their relationship. It was like a vicious circle.

Color Me was a song Ilhoon was certain Sungjae would like. It was about a meeting in your deepest loneliness where you want desperately the other person to color you and make this dull loneliness go away.

The lastly picked song was a love song again, a little similar to It’s Autumn Again. A failing relationship where you can't let go so decide to start again. He wondered which member experienced this kind of relationship. He knew they wrote songs based on their own experiences. That meant at least one of them had been or is still in a relationship like this.

_ And what about Sungjae? Is he dating someone? Has he ever dated someone? Is there someone he likes? _

Ilhoon had to look away. 


	6. Chapter 6

Some people say that music connects us. Just think about how many people can meet on the internet thanks to music. How many friends you can make on Twitter because you like the same kind of music, or even better, the same artist. Or you’re at a festival, singing along and dancing to your favorite songs while you’re surrounded by people you’ve never met before and probably will never meet again. But at some point, your paths crossed and you became a part of each other’s lives, even if it was just for a few moments.

Music can heal. It can inspire. It can make you excited or sad. It can express what you feel when you can’t find the perfect words to describe it.

_ It can connect us. _

We listen to the same music on the radio at the same time, no matter how far we’re from each other. Regardless of our race, gender, age, religion, sexuality, the language we speak, music connects us.

_ And music connected them too. _

The first thing that greeted Ilhoon on that day when he kicked open the door was music. It was music that brought them together and connected them. And they met again to watch a band’s live performance. Their relationship was all about music. The soft melody played by Sungjae, Ultramarine’s music, or other artists’ songs they shared with each other.

It was all thanks to music.

Sungjae clapped excitedly. It was Saturday. They were at Lapis Lazuli, sitting by the same table they did last time. The first band just finished performing. It was a three-person band with a vocalist, a guitarist and a keyboardist. The three girls were very cheerful from the beginning until the very end. They only started playing music recently so not many people knew them, but they were very talented, so Ilhoon was certain one day they’d become famous.

Sungjae - to no one’s surprise - knew them as well. But not just as a band who sometimes performed there. He went to the same middle school as the guitarist. They only talked a few times back then but since Sungjae started frequently visit Lapis Lazuli, they started talking again. It was the guitarist, Chaewon who first went to Sungjae because she noticed him when she was performing. 

Ilhoon couldn’t help but wonder again if there was someone Sungjae liked. Chaewon was pretty, Ilhoon could tell this much. He might be gay but that didn’t mean he didn’t have eyes. He could tell if someone was pretty.

Changsub went on the stage, smiling and waving, a guitar in his hand. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, we had some problems backstage so the others will be late. But I’ll try to make up for it.” He started playing on his guitar and singing a song Ilhoon didn’t recognize.

“Oh, that must be a new song,” Sungjae said, fixing his gaze on the stage. “I love his voice.”

“I would never be brave enough to stand on a stage alone,” Ilhoon said.

After the second song which was Color Me, the others joined him on stage, apologizing deeply. They started with the song Changsub sang first. Just like Sungjae guessed, it was one of the new songs. 

Halfway through the performance, Ilhoon realized he was watching Sungjae again. He scolded himself and forced himself to look away. There was a _suspicious feeling_ slowly growing inside him.

Sungjae leaned closer after the last song and whispered in his ear. “Would you mind staying a little longer?”

Ilhoon shook his head. “I don’t want to go home yet,” he admitted. His father wanted to take them out to dinner. That would have been their first family dinner since the engagement.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Nothing. I just don’t feel like having dinner with my family.” He placed his hands on the table and interlaced his fingers.

“Why don’t you try and give them a chance?” Sungjae asked curiously.

“It’s complicated,” Ilhoon replied. “What’s their name?” he jerked his head in the direction of the stage.

“Young Astronauts,” Sungjae said. “They have some very good songs,” he added. “Like Passion, Sharing a Room, Circle, How It All Began.”

“Young Astronauts,” Ilhoon repeated the name. He liked it a lot. They were a four-person band just like Ultramarine, except here the vocalist was a woman. All four of them were around thirty. The woman’s voice was deep and raspy and conveyed a lot of emotions. Ilhoon had never heard anyone singing like this.

“They’re the favorites here,” Sungjae commented after the third song. “And honestly, it’s understandable.” His eyes sparkled with excitement. “Their songs have this atmosphere I can’t describe well, but how should I say it…” he paused to think how he should express this feeling. “It’s nostalgic and bittersweet?”

“Yeah, I would describe them with those words too,” Ilhoon nodded in agreement.

“Ultramarine might be my ultimate favorite, but if I would ever make music, I would like to make songs that have a similar atmosphere to Young Astronauts’ songs.”

Ilhoon couldn't not notice how Sungjae always talked about music. As if he was actually considering making music in the future but he was too afraid to admit it to others. So he just lied that he didn't want to do it.  _ Sometimes lying is easier than facing the truth. _

However, he couldn't fool Ilhoon. Sungjae played on that guitar every time they met, he even asked the day before if he improved since Ilhoon first heard him and always tried to learn more and more songs. He even sang more confidently. He mentioned a few times that he wished he could write lyrics and was even jealous of Plum Blossoms - Sungjae found out that band's name they’d missed on their first time together at Lapis Lazuli - because of their powerful lyrics.

Sungjae wanted to make music but something held him back from pursuing this dream. Maybe he just needed a little push, something that would encourage him to take the first step.

And if Ilhoon wanted to be honest, he’d happily give him that little push. 

“Hi!” A tall girl stopped by their table. “I just wanted to say hi,” she said with a smile. 

Ilhoon recognized her. She was Chaewon from Caffeine.

“Is he the friend you talked about?” she asked and Sungjae nodded. “Hi, I'm Park Chaewon,” she introduced herself to Ilhoon.

“Jung Ilhoon.”

_He talked about me,_ he thought and gulped audibly. His heart quickened. He hated to admit it, but he felt slightly jealous. 

“Thank you for watching us,” she said politely. “I have to go back now.” She left waving. 

“She's pretty,” Ilhoon said as if testing the other boy. “Don't you think so?” 

“Yeah,” Sungjae nodded, his expression bland. He wasn’t interested in Chaewon’s appearance. “And talented,” he added more excitedly.

Changsub and Hyunsik walked past them, chatting about something. Hyunsik must have said something funny because Changsub tried to hold back his laughter but failed miserably. They went to order two drinks then sat down near them. 

Ilhoon was amused by Sungjae who glanced at their direction several times.

He leaned closer to his ears. “Why don't you talk to them?” 

“As if I could,” he took a sip of his coffee and turned to the stage. “There is one more band left.”

Ilhoon smiled at how Sungjae changed the topic before he could tease him. “Do you want to have dinner after that? I know a good place we could eat.”

Sungjae looked at him. He stared at his face for a moment before hesitantly said yes. 


	7. Chapter 7

“I want to show you something,” Sungjae said as soon as Ilhoon entered the classroom. It had been two weeks since they first met there. Since then, they already met six times in the classroom and went to Lapis Lazuli four times, two times to watch Ultramarine and two times when writers and poets read from their works. They even bought a book after that.

Ilhoon sat down next to Sungjae and looked at him questioningly. Sungjae seemed excited and couldn’t hide his smile.

“Are you ready?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Ilhoon nodded. 

Sungjae took a deep breath then released it to calm himself down. Then he started playing. 

Ilhoon recognized it immediately. It was Incomplete from Ultramarine, the song Ilhoon picked as his favorite. Sungjae started singing, looking deep into his eyes.  It was beautiful. Well, both the song _and Sungjae._ The way he sang his favorite song while staring at each other -  a song about how incomplete one feels when the other person is not by his side and how perfectly they complete each other - made Ilhoon feel dizzy.

At that moment, Ilhoon was sure. He wanted to support Sungjae and do anything to help him make music. Even if this meant that he had to write lyrics or learn to play on a musical instrument.

“Thank you,” he whispered after Sungjae finished the song. “You’re incredible.”

Sungjae blushed and placed his guitar next to him. “I’ll learn When We Grow Up next.”

Ilhoon leaned against the wall. “I wish I was as talented as you,” he sighed. 

“How do you know you aren’t when you haven’t tried?” Sungjae asked. 

“I can’t sing or play any instruments,” he responded. “Teach me how to play.” 

“I–” It took Sungjae a few minutes before he could say anything. “I don’t think I would be a good teacher.”

“How do you know you wouldn’t when you haven’t tried?” he grinned at the other boy. 

Sungjae laughed. “I finished composing the song I always play,” he said and gave his notes to Ilhoon. 

Ilhoon just stared at the papers, not understanding anything. “I already love it,” he deadpanned.

Sungjae laughed again. “I’ll show you.” He took back the papers, and with the guitar in his hands again, he smirked at Ilhoon.

He started playing. It was a melody without lyrics but it gave Ilhoon a nostalgic feeling. It changed from when he first heard it. It was still cheerful, but with a hint of nostalgia. It wasn’t exactly the same as Young Astronauts’ songs. Those songs sounded more mature, this had something raw in it. _And those raw emotions made it beautiful._

“What do you think?” Sungjae asked.

“I love it,” Ilhoon clapped and cheered. "You’re amazing." He licked his lip. He hesitated before he finally gathered the courage to ask Sungjae. “Could you record it and send it to me?” 

“Record,” Sungjae echoed. “I’m not sure. It’s not that good.” He scratched the back of his head. “I–” 

“It’s perfect, Sungjae.” He cupped Sungjae’s cheeks with both his hands and leaned closer, eyes sparking. It was one of those _spur-of-the-moment decisions_ you’ll regret later. “Believe me!” 

Sungjae wanted to look away but was captured by that light in Ilhoon’s eyes. He nodded slowly, heart beating fast. He thought for a moment. If this was a movie, the next thing they would do was to kiss. 

Ilhoon immediately apologized after he released the other boy. He surprised even himself by doing something like this. He was just too excited and acted before thinking. 

“It's okay,” Sungjae said, face burning. He cleared his throat. “I’ll send it tonight.”

“Thank you.”

As he promised, he sent the audio file that night. Ilhoon couldn’t wait, he started writing the lyrics as soon as he got home. He threw his bag next to his desk and took out some sheets of paper and a pencil. He sat down and tried to recall the song. He heard it many times, he could remember it easily. Only the mood was missing. _That weirdly cheerful yet nostalgic feeling._

When he got the file, he played it over and over again, correcting the already written lines and adding more to them. At first, he wanted to convey what Sungjae must have felt when he moved there. However, writing lyrics was harder than he expected so he gave up in the end. 

Sungjae texted him not long after he went to bed. He couldn’t sleep and asked if Ilhoon was already asleep then added a second text: _“Of course you’re probably asleep. Sorry if I woke you up with these texts.”_

Ilhoon smiled and started typing.

_ << I'm still awake. _

_ >> You should sleep, it’s almost two am. _

_ << The same goes for you. _

_ >> Hehe _

Another text from Sungjae: _“Want to go to Lapis Lazuli tomorrow?”_

And another one: _“I thought we could meet somewhere.”_

He even sent a cute sticker. Ilhoon had to think about it before deciding. He knew he was suppressing and ignoring that feeling that was slowly growing bigger and bigger inside him. He did everything he could to avoid facing it.

He thought about his father and the promise he had made to himself. He wanted to talk with Eunkwang, but this wasn’t the perfect time to call him. Eunkwang liked to meet in person, especially if it was something important, and Ilhoon didn’t need a loud Eunkwang bursting into their house at two in the morning to wake up everyone.

_ << When? _

_ >> At six. _

_ << Will you go to the classroom today? _

_ >> Not sure yet. There are usually people in there on Thursdays. _

_ << So that’s the reason you never go there on this day. _

_ >> Yeah. _

_ << Then we'll meet at Lapis Lazuli. _

Sungjae didn't reply, he probably fell asleep. Ilhoon looked at his desk. He couldn’t see it because it was too dark, but he knew there were papers on it with half-finished lyrics. He felt like he was facing some difficulties. It was disappointing. He decided to help Sungjae, but he didn’t have the strength to do anything.

He clenched his fist and punched his pillow. He felt like he was incapable and hopeless. He plugged his earphones in and searched for a song he could listen to while sleeping. He hoped this would distract him.

It's Okay from BTOB was perfect for this. Sungjae had recommended this song to him a few days ago when they were showing their playlists to each other. He closed his eyes, hoping sleep would come for him soon. _Behind his closed eyes, Sungjae’s smile appeared._


	8. Chapter 8

Sungjae and Ilhoon were sitting in the corner. Ilhoon thought about calling Eunkwang before going to Lapis Lazuli but changed his mind. He needed someone to discuss all of these things but he thought if he didn’t say anything out loud, then he didn’t have to face them one day.

Sungjae was telling him stories from before they moved there. Ilhoon drank in every word the other boy said. He planned to get him to know better, hoping it could help him write the lyrics. However, just listening to those stories couldn't make him feel the same Sungjae did.

“I know I said it many times, but I’m honestly so thankful that you accepted my invitation,” Sungjae said for the nth time in the past few days.

“I’m also thankful,” Ilhoon said, playing with his cup. “You know, when I’m with you, breathing feels easier.” The moment those words slipped out of his mouth, he got embarrassed. He never admitted it until now, but since he met Sungjae, there was something that could take his mind off his father’s marriage.

Sungjae was taken aback. He was definitely not expecting those words at all. But it made him happy as well. His expression softened as he gazed at Ilhoon’s face.

“I’m glad you said this,” he started. “I was afraid I’m taking advantage of you and it’s only me who gets something and I can’t give you anything in return. But knowing that I also can give you something makes me very happy.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I’ve been dragging you along since the first time we met. Like, I brought you here to watch a band with me you’ve never heard of, and not just one time.”

“I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t want to,” Ilhoon said.

Sungjae lowered his head. He looked like he was deep in thoughts. Like he was contemplating something. Ilhoon took his eyes off of him and turned his head to another direction. He saw Eunkwang’s ex having fun with his new boyfriend. He wondered what the other customers who looked at them thought about their relationship. Did they look like they were good friends? Did they seem something more?

He gulped.

“I feel the same way, too,” Sungjae said quietly.

Ilhoon wasn’t even sure if he heard it right. His heart was beating loudly. He turned back to Sungjae and saw a pained look on his face. Ilhoon opened his mouth to ask what he meant by it but couldn’t say those words.

“Breathing is easier when I’m with you,” Sungjae lowered his head.

Ilhoon couldn’t decide what he felt was happiness or fear. He knew he should feel only happy but knew deep down that it wasn’t possible.

“I mean, all of these things,” he began, “Lapis Lazuli and Ultramarine are very nice and all, but sharing them with someone is even better. It’s like in Color Me.” He smiled at Ilhoon. “I think that’s what I wanted from the start.”

The first thing that came to Ilhoon’s mind was the lines _“make my dull days colorful again, color me, I’m desperate”_. He looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to them. Seeing everyone minding their own business, Ilhoon reached out his hand and placed it on top of Sungjae’s. He hoped his feeling would reach him by this silly act. He didn’t know how to express his sympathy for Sungjae, so he chose this instead of words.

He thought about the lyrics he was writing, this time with determination. He wanted to finish it as soon as possible and give it to Sungjae. He promised himself he’d color Sungjae with the brightest, most vibrant colors.

It’s funny how sometimes you just meet someone and share your worries and difficulties with them at the beginning of your relationship. You tell them things you’d never be able to tell even to your closest friends. But isn’t this what turns you two, in the end, close friends? Opening up about personal things and being understood?

Sungjae glanced at their hands then turned his own, so now they were palms to palms and held Ilhoon’s hand tightly. Ilhoon immediately blushed but he didn’t look away. On the contrary, he looked Sungjae bravely in the eye. They were just staring at each other.

Ilhoon wondered for how long could he keep his feelings under control. He knew it was only a matter of time before they overflow him, bringing disaster into his life. He didn’t want to think about the consequences. _He wished time would stop and freeze everything around them._

“Have you listened to all of their new songs?” he asked and waited for Sungjae to nod. He knew this was a stupid question. It was Sungjae, of course, he had already listened to them. “Which one is your favorite?”

“I like Still In The Same Bed.” Sungjae rubbed his chin with his free hand. “Ah, I also like Before the Storm.”

“Who do you think those songs are about?” Ilhoon asked. His curiosity just grew with each day.

“I heard Hyunsik and Changsub wrote most of the songs, so it’s either one or both of them,” Sungjae replied.

“It sounds painful to be in a relationship like this,” Ilhoon noted.

“Do you date someone?” Sungjae asked out of nowhere. “Or someone you like?”

Ilhoon gulped, his eyes darted. “No.”

For a moment Ilhoon thought Sungjae looked disappointed but he was probably imagining things. _Why would Sungjae look disappointed?_

__

“I don’t date anyone either.” He didn’t tell if he liked someone. Ilhoon felt like Sungjae was waiting for him to ask it.

“And someone you like?”

Sungjae shrugged, “I’m not sure yet.”

“What does that mean?”

“There is someone I’m interested in but I’m not sure what I feel. I’m afraid I’m confusing love with something else, so I decided to wait before taking the first step.”

“You sure are brave,” Ilhoon laughed.

“Yeah, until I get home and start panicking and worrying about what I did,” he chuckled. “Have you ever dated someone?”

“Well, I went on a date with someone last year but it didn’t work out.” _At least it helped me figure out my sexuality._ “You?”

“I had someone I dated, but we broke up a few months ago.” He unconsciously squeezed Ilhoon’s hand. “We dated for almost two months.”

Ilhoon couldn’t help but feel a hint of _jealousy_.


	9. Chapter 9

Ilhoon felt like he was becoming a mess with each day he spent with Sungjae. They met almost every day at school. The only exceptions were Tuesday and Thursday. Some guys started hanging out there on Tuesdays and damaged many things on their first day. Ilhoon and Sungjae hoped they wouldn’t come back, but they went back again on the next Tuesday as well. 

Sungjae already knew those who went there on Thursdays. It was a couple who - Ilhoon assumed - were meeting there in secret. _Maybe they weren’t allowed to be together._

“It’s a lot cleaner than last week,” Ilhoon said as they entered the classroom. They arrived at the same time, which was a wonder since Sungjae usually had to wait for him. 

“I hope they won’t come back anymore,” Sungjae said, taking the guitar out of the locker. After that mess those guys had made last week, he started hiding it from them. “I was okay with one time, but if this continues like this, we might have to find another place.”

Ilhoon hated even the thought of that. That classroom was like a second home now. A place where he liked to stay. A place that didn’t suffocate him with the weight of reality. The other place like this was Lapis Lazuli, but they couldn’t go there every time, only two or three times a week, mostly to watch the bands.  That classroom, on the other hand, was available almost every day. Moreover, it was just the two of them there. They could talk more freely and didn’t have to act at all. When they were in public, even if it was Lapis Lazuli, they cared about what other people might think of them.

They sat on their usual place under the window. Sungjae with the guitar in his hands, already playing something. This time, it was Winter Has Come For Us by Ultramarine. Another song about a failing relationship. By now, Ilhoon already knew every Ultramarine song. He also started listening to Young Astronauts and NINA - another indie band from Lapis Lazuli - to gain some inspiration.

Ilhoon had some papers in his hands. Sungjae didn’t ask what those were, even though he had noticed them when they ran into each other on the corridor. Their relationship was all about patience. There was no forcing or demanding. They left enough place for the other to breathe and slowly open up. If one of them wanted to share something, the other waited for him to tell it when he was ready.

Ilhoon stared at them, hands trembling. “Sungjae, ugh…” He hesitated.

Sungjae observed him curiously. He didn't stop playing. He didn't need to. Ilhoon knew he was paying attention to him, and actually, music calmed him down a little.

“Sungjae,” Ilhoon began. Sungjae must have felt like this when he first showed him his song. “I… Ugh… I wrote something.” He handed those papers to the other boy. “It’s not perfect, but…”

“Is this…?” Sungjae looked surprised and laid them out on the floor. “Is this what I think it is?”

“Lyrics to your song,” Ilhoon said, avoiding Sungjae’s eyes. “I tried to write something based on what you told me. How lonely you felt, how you wandered around aimlessly, how easier it became to breathe since we met,” he explained. “Though, I think it turned out to be something about me as well,” he pointed at one of the papers. “You see, it’s actually about two people who found each other when they felt lost.”

“What’s the title?” Sungjae asked. His eyes sparkled with a light Ilhoon had never seen before. It was like a mix of passion, determination, and excitement. Ilhoon’s heart sank. He had to look away.

“I haven’t given it a title yet,” he said. “I thought you could choose something if you like the lyrics.”

The corner of Sungjae’s mouth turned up. “Shit, I feel like crying,” he confessed. “I’m so happy. I’m honestly going to cry.” He hid his face behind his hands.

Ilhoon crawled closer and gently patted Sungjae’s back. His eyes became wet as he tried to give the other boy comfort. _It was so overwhelming._ Making Sungjae happy made him happy as well. His efforts paid off and didn’t regret staying up late at night for two weeks. Distressing over this song felt like a distant dream, but it was worth it. If he could have, he would have given Sungjae a lot more. Just like Sungjae gave him these places, he wanted to give him something in return.

“Can I choose the title? Really?” Sungjae asked. “Yeah,” Ilhoon replied with a voice so gentle, it made Sungjae sob harder. “It’s your song, after all.”

“What about Home?” Sungjae asked. He let his hands fall in his lap.

“Home?” Ilhoon frowned. “I found my home in you? Or my home is where you are? You mean it like that?”

Sungjae thought for a second and hummed. “This classroom is my second home, but only since we met?”

This was too much to Ilhoon’s heart. He blushed hard and tried to suppress those feelings again, but Sungjae made it so hard for him. He didn't blame Sungjae. He knew it wasn't his fault. Sungjae didn't assume Ilhoon had feelings for him, but that was only natural. Most people wouldn't assume that someone of the same sex might feel something more than simple friendship toward them.

“Tomorrow?”

“As the title?”

“Yeah,” Sungjae nodded. “Tomorrow with you will be even brighter,” he explained what he meant by that. He reread the lyrics. “Ah, I know!” he shouted. “Who I Longed For.” He pointed at the papers. “You used the word longing a few times, you see?” Ilhoon nodded in response. “Then I met with what I have longed for, someone who would make breathing easier,” he read it out loud. Ilhoon cringed hearing his lyrics. “It was you who I longed for, someone who would grab my hand and lead me on this bright path,” he continued reading.

“Okay, okay! Stop!” He took away the papers. “Please, stop reading it. It’s embarrassing.”

“Too bad.” Sungjae took them back. “I’m gonna sing it, so prepare yourself.”


	10. Chapter 10

Hearing the lyrics he had written as Sungjae sang it while playing on his guitar was embarrassing and incredible at the same time. The song was perfect for Sungjae’s voice. Ilhoon wished Sungjae would appreciate himself more because he deserved it. He was way more than what he thought about himself. He was so talented, it would be a waste just leaving it like that.

“What do you think?” Sungjae asked once he finished playing. He was glowing with happiness.

Ilhoon couldn’t find the words that could have expressed how he felt at that moment. It was more than happiness or sadness. It was a lot more than just excitement, anxiety, or relief. _It was love. Just love._ And it was overwhelming.

It was time to finally face that feeling he had been avoiding for a while now. He loved Sungjae. He wasn’t sure yet if it was romantic love or platonic love. But it was love. He knew that much. Love so strong he had never felt before. He wanted to give Sungjae so much, not expecting anything in return.

A part of him hoped it was just platonic love and nothing more, a strong friendship that was born when they needed it the most. Something romantic between them would be troublesome for both of them.

“It was beautiful,” he said enthusiastically, his eyes filled with tears.

His body moved before he could think. He hugged Sungjae so tightly he didn’t think it was possible. However, for Sungjae, it felt like the gentlest hug he had ever gotten. He felt safe in those arms and he wanted Ilhoon to feel the same, so when he hugged him back, he did it like Ilhoon was the most precious and fragile thing in the world. They wanted to reassure each other that they’re there when the other needs them, they’re there when no one else is.

“Thank you,” Sungjae whispered close to his ears. Ilhoon shivered. He wished this moment would last forever.

“Thank you, Sungjae,” he said, slowly closing his eyes and melting into the embrace. Sungjae had a sweet scent that made Ilhoon dizzy. He felt hot in every place their bodies touched.

There is a thin line between love and friendship. But where does friendship end, and love begin? Is a hug like this between friends considered too much? Isn't this hug too long for a friendly hug? 

Sungjae pulled away, cheeks red, eyes avoiding Ilhoon’s. _It was too much,_ Ilhoon thought, seeing the other boy’s reaction.

“Would you write me more lyrics?” Sungjae asked.

“Of course.”

Sungjae took some pics of the lyrics and gave the papers back to Ilhoon. They stayed in the classroom until it was time to go back. Ilhoon noticed how everything had slightly started changing from the moment they hugged. 

“What should we make a song about?” Sungjae asked, playing a random melody that was pretty similar to Ultramarine’s Autumn Again. “Should we make a love song?”

“I wouldn’t be too much help,” Ilhoon said. “I’ve never been in love, so you probably know better how it feels.”

Sungjae stared at him. Ilhoon’s face flushed. Sungjae’s gaze was intense, and Ilhoon couldn’t imagine what would happen next if this continued. Still, he couldn’t look away. He locked his eyes with Sungjae.

“We need to go back,” Sungjae said, voice husky. “Lapis Lazuli? Tomorrow?”

Ilhoon nodded and shoved the papers into his pocket. Sungjae stood up in the meanwhile, and hold his hand out to him. Ilhoon accepted the hand and let Sungjae pull him up. Sungjae hid the guitar in the locker and left the classroom with Ilhoon.

Before they went down on the stairs, Sungjae stopped Ilhoon. “Thank you,” he said.

Ilhoon smiled gently at him and playfully ruffled Sungjae’s hair as he passed by him. When he got down, he turned around and saw Sungjae blushing hard. Ilhoon waved at him and started walking in the direction of his classroom. When he couldn’t see the stairs anymore, he leaned against the wall and let out a sigh. It was too much to his heart.

He couldn’t wait to finally get home. As soon as he went into his room, he jumped on his bed and yelled into his pillow. Everything that had happened in that classroom confused him. Those lingering touches, those intense looks, that sweet scent, that beautiful voice.

He yelled again, punching the pillow with both hands. He felt like exploding. His fears came back again as he heard voices from outside. His father and his step-sister were chatting lightly in the hallway. Their voices became louder as they reached his room.

A knock. Then a tiny voice asking if they could go in.

Ilhoon sat up straight, cleared his voice. Although he didn’t want to talk to them, he said yes. Yeojin ran into the room, jumped on Ilhoon’s bed, and sat in his lap.

“She said she wanted to check on you. She heard you yelling and thought something had happened to you.” His father sat down next to him. “But I think it’s something else,” he grinned. “Love?”

Ilhoon blushed and looked away. “No.”

His father laughed. “We’re eating out tomorrow. Do you want to come with us?”

“I have another program, sorry,” he said, not feeling sorry at all. “I’ve promised to a friend that I’d meet him.”

“The same friend you’ve been skipping every family dinner for?”

“I’m not skipping anything, you’re just late with asking if I wanted to go,” he shrugged. “Anyway, I’ve already promised him.”

“Why don’t you invite him as well?”

“Maybe next time,” he replied. He didn’t want to invite Sungjae. It was dangerous enough to talk about him. If his dad found out how he felt about Sungjae, it would be over for him.

“Ilhoon…” his father started.

“Please, come with us,” Yeojin whined before he could say more.

“I’m sorry, Yeojin,” he ruffled the girl's hair, but his smile disappeared as he remembered what he did to Sungjae. His father noticed the change of emotions on his face but didn’t comment on it.


	11. Chapter 11

“Finally!” Ilhoon opened the door.

Eunkwang was already grinning. “You surprised me with that text.”

The said text was “teach me how to play the guitar”. No explanation, no “please”.

“Don’t!” He held up his hands. “I’ll ask someone else if you're ginning like this.”

“Hey, but you’re doing it because of him, right?” He went inside, and after leaving his shoes in front of the door, he followed Ilhoon into his room. 

Ilhoon didn’t answer. There was no need to answer. He was obvious enough, so no wonder Eunkwang noticed it. Until it was just Eunkwang who knew about it, he didn't worry too much. He trusted Eunkwang more than anyone else. He knew he’d never tell anyone his secret. 

“Here,” Eunkwang handed the instrument to Ilhoon.

“Thanks, but I still don't know anything,” he frowned. 

“Okay, okay,” Eunkwang waved it off. “I have a question first.”

“What?” 

“Why do you go this far for him?”

Ilhoon lowered his head. “I think I want to support him?” It sounded more like a question than a statement. “I know how much he likes music, and he's so talented. It’d be a waste if he didn't do anything with it.”

“Really? That's the only reason?”

Was it? That was all, or was there more? _Why would he go that far for someone?_ Was this only because he wanted to support Sungjae, and show him he deserved all of this? Or was there something else?

He knew the answer. He still tried to deny it even though he already admitted that what he felt was love. But it was hard to defy what kind of love this was. The only thing he felt was a strange but pleasing warmth inside when he thought of Sungjae. They didn't even need to be together.

There are different types of love, like eros, agape, ludus, or philia. He knew that much. Well, of course, he knew. He spent a lot of hours trying to find out what this feeling was. He thought about what he wanted from Sungjae. Only friendship? Something deeper? But where would he draw the line between romantic love and platonic love? Was platonic love enough for him? Or he wanted a more passionate, physical relationship? Does romantic love have to be physical? 

He had so many thoughts it made him dizzy. The more he thought, the more difficult it became to find an answer. 

He swallowed hard. “I thought this would bring us even more closer,” he said quietly. “I want to make music with him,” he said. He remembered how he felt when he first heard Sungjae playing their song. Almost a whole week had passed since then, but that memory remained vivid in his mind. 

That pure love that pumped in his veins, his inside filled with a warmth he had never felt before. It was such a perfect moment. 

“Do you like him?”

He flinched. Even thinking about it made him anxious. Now hearing the question from someone else made him feel nauseated. 

Eunkwang placed his hand on top of Ilhoon's. “It's okay if you don't have an answer yet.”

“Is it?” he asked with a bitter smile.

“Of course, it is,” Eunkwang reassured him. “Take your time!”

They sat there for two hours, Eunkwang teaching Ilhoon, Ilhoon eagerly watching everything Eunkwang showed him. He didn’t plan to be perfect, he just wanted to be good enough to play in front of Sungjae. He wanted to surprise him.

“When can I listen to your song?” Eunkwang asked when they were taking a break.

“Sungjae called me not long before you arrived and told me that he found someone who’d help us with the recording,” Ilhoon said, his back against the wall. “He has a friend who also plays in a band. She told us she’d help us,” he explained. “So if everything goes well, we might be able to record it next week.” He played with his blanket. “Chaewon suggested we should write more songs until then.” To his greatest surprise, he didn't feel jealous of the girl.

Sungjae only thought of her as a friend, and she had a boyfriend anyway. However, Ilhoon couldn’t be sure about Sungjae’s sexuality, and it was a topic you can't just ask casually, even if you’re friends.

With Eunkwang, it was a lot easier, since Ilhoon accidentally found out. He saw Eunkwang kissing in front of the apartment when he came home later than usual. Eunkwang thought it was safe to be more affectionate because the hallway was usually empty around that time.  Ilhoon was shocked at first, but he didn’t think it was unnatural or hideous. At that time he didn’t realize he also liked boys, but this friendship definitely helped him figure himself out. It was good to have someone who could tell him about his experiences.

That had happened almost four years ago. Ilhoon went on a date with a girl two years ago. He wasn’t sure if he liked her, but he gave her a chance. During his date, he realized he didn’t feel anything. And not just toward that girl, but toward girls in general. That date made him question himself, and he talked a lot about sexuality with Eunkwang who was happy to help him.

They heard a buzzing sound and turned to its direction. It was Ilhoons phone.

“A text from Sungjae,” he checked it. “Do you want to have dinner together?” he read it out loud after deciding it was safe.

Another text.

_> > I want to show you something_

Another text.

_ >> I can’t wait until Friday _

“He wants to show me something,” he said. He looked confused. What could be this urgent? “I assume it’s connected to music, but…” He hummed.

_ << When should we meet? _

_ >> Around seven? At my place _

_ << Okay _

Sungjae sent him the address. Ilhoon was panicking. Did Sungjae just invite him to his house?

“I have an hour before I have to go,” he said, leaving out that small detail about the place where they'd meet. “Can we practice a little more?”

Eunkwang nodded. “That’s a smart way to ask someone out,” he said with a knowing smile.

“It’s just a dinner,” he rolled his eyes. Then he realized. Dinner at Sungjae's house? He hated himself for it, but deep down, he was hoping that Sungjae inviting him like this meant something.

“I hope you know that I’ll wait for you at the door, so you can tell me what happened,” Eunkwang winked. “Texting you is meaningless. The only thing you write back is always great or the music was good. It’s getting boring.”

“Then this time I’ll write the food was good,” Ilhoon smirked.

“I hate you.” Eunkwang hit him playfully.

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

An hour and a half later, Ilhoon was already in front of Sungjae’s house. It was bigger than he had imagined.

Sungjae opened the door, smiling widely. “Hi!”

“Hi,” Ilhoon said. He felt uncomfortable. It was one thing to meet Sungjae in the classroom or Lapis Lazuli. And it was another to meet him at his place. It was more personal.

“My parents aren’t home yet,” he said as he let the other boy inside. “They’ll hopefully be back late at night. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to play.”

“Hm?” Ilhoon raised his eyebrow.

They went into Sungjae’s bedroom, where the guitar from the classroom greeted him. Sungjae sat down on his bed, and Ilhoon hesitantly did the same. Being in Sungjae’s room was unbelievable and scary.

“I wrote the lyrics to our next song,” Sungjae said, handing a paper to Ilhoon.

_Our._ Ilhoon’s heart skipped a beat. He wondered, why on earth would this be their song, when the only thing he did was sitting and watching Sungjae. It was Sungjae’s song. Only his.

Still, some strange warm feeling filled his stomach.

Sungjae started playing and singing. It was similar to Who I Longed For. It was somehow bittersweet yet cheerful in its weird but pleasant way. It was a love song this time. A song about an unrequited love born on a chilly April day. It was an unexpected and unplanned event. Ilhoon wasn’t sure if Sungjae wrote it based on his experiences, but the lines _“I met you when my world was frozen, and you warmed me up”_ or _“You gave me the push I needed to be who I wanted to be”_ sounded like it was about him. He tried not to think about the other parts where he sang about how it was inevitable to fall in love with the other person and how this person played on his heart like it was a guitar and made the most beautiful melodies with it.

Ilhoon stared at Sungjae. He was glowing. He could tell everything in that song was about Sungjae. He had someone he loved, which was nice, but Ilhoon hated the idea of Sungjae being in love with someone. _Someone else._

“What do you think?” he asked with the brightest smile.

Ilhoon gulped and looked away. He was jealous. Well, it wasn’t anything unsurprising. He knew Sungjae would one day fall in love.

That was the moment he realized, or more like admitted, that what he felt for Sungjae was _romantic_ love. 

“I loved it,” he said, his voice trembled. He needed to get away from Sungjae. He turned back to make some excuse and leave, but as soon as he saw Sungjae’s face, his irritation disappeared. Sungjae was like an excited child. Ilhoon finally understood. Sungjae wasn’t glowing because of being in love. Or if he was, then that love he felt wasn’t for someone, it was for music. He was finally able to do what he wanted, namely music.

This realization made him less jealous. Still, there was a bugging feeling inside his heart. Sungjae might love music, but those lyrics were about someone.

“Sungjae,” he began, “I also want to show you something.”

The other boy nodded curiously.

“Can you-” he pointed at the guitar. “Can you lend me your guitar?”

“Gui-” It caught him by surprise but gave the instrument to the other boy.

“Before I start, let me tell you, I literally started learning a few hours ago, so I’m a total amateur,” he scratched the back of his head and let out an awkward laugh. “Don’t laugh,” and with this, he started playing.

It was far from perfect, but it was good, considering he just started learning it. Sungjae was amazed by it, his lips forming a silent o, eyes filled with love. Undeniably, he felt the same way Ilhoon felt when Sungjae played Who I Longed For. It was overwhelming, somehow painful, but so pure and indescribable. _It was a love so deep his heart hurt._

“I’m so so so happy,” he said, tossing the guitar to the bed and hugging Ilhoon. 

Ilhoon froze. He had expected some clapping and maybe cheerful whistling but not a hug. He closed his eyes and leaned his head on Sungjae’s shoulder, hugging him back. Sungjae buried his face into Ilhoon’s neck, and Ilhoon could swear he heard him sniffing.

Was this hug still considered “friendly”? Or did they already crossed that line? What did Sungjae feel when Ilhoon wrapped his hands around him? Did he felt the same warmth? Did his heart beat as fast as Ilhoon’s?

“What’s the title of your song?” he asked.

“It doesn’t have one.” Sungjae pulled away a little, so he can answer. “I thought about On a Chilly April Day, but I didn't like it, so I just left it untitled.”

“Let me see the lyrics,” Ilhoon said, expecting Sungjae to pull away completely, but he didn’t move. Ilhoon took the paper into his hand and started reading over Sungjae’s shoulder.

It was way beyond the point where this hug would’ve still considered as a hug between two friends. But Ilhoon didn’t mind.

“Heart Like a Guitar?” he suggested.

Sungjae just hummed uncertainly. 

Ilhoon chuckled. “Yeah, I didn't like it either.”

“Warmed me up?” was the next suggestion. “In My Frozen World?” He shook his head. “Your Warmth?” He patted Sungjae’s back. “I mean, you used it in the chorus. There is this line, Still longing for your warmth, and in the beginning, it says, I met you when my world was frozen, and you warmed me up.”

“Your Warmth, huh?” he said, tightening the hug. “Okay, I like it.”

“Hey, Sungjae,” Ilhoon started, feeling grateful for the hug because he didn’t need to face Sungjae this way. “There is someone you like, right? The last time we talked about this, you said you weren’t sure yet. And now?”

“I-” he paused. “I think I am.”

It hurt. Ilhoon pulled away. He just wanted to go home.

But instead, he said something unexpected. “Hey, Sungjae, why don’t we start a band?”

The other boy’s eyes widened. “A band?”

“My friend can play drums. If I ask him, he’ll surely help us.”


	13. Chapter 13

“What did you say?” Eunkwang exclaimed. Ilhoon just got back, and just as his friend had promised, he waited for him. Though not outside, but he peeked out every time he heard footsteps.

“I told him we could form a band,” Ilhoon said. He was sitting in Eunkwang’s kitchen, drinking tea. His friend noticed how troubled he was. “I-” He paused. He couldn’t say that he was so jealous he accidentally said some dumb things. “You don’t have to play. I’ll tell Sungjae you don’t want to do it.”

“I didn’t say I’m not gonna do it,” Eunkwang said. “I just don’t understand why you would suggest something like this.”

“I-” He sighed. “I think I love him.”

Eunkwang giggled. “I knew.”

“Yeah, but there is someone he likes.” He played with his cup. “He wrote a song,” he started. “It’s a love song. More exactly, it’s about unrequited love.”

“But if it’s unrequited that means…”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Ilhoon said. “But I want to support him. He really deserves it. You’ll understand if you’ll hear him sing. He’s amazing,” he smiled affectionately. “I’m not sure about this band anymore. It was just a sudden idea.”

“But he wants to do it, right?” Eunkwang placed his hand on top of Ilhoon’s.

Ilhoon nodded. _“If it’s with you, then I want to do it.”_ That was what Sungjae said. This made Ilhoon even more confused. What did he mean by that? Did he say it because Ilhoon understood his passion for music? And not just understood, but they shared this passion?

“Does he know you like…?” He didn’t finish the question.

Ilhoon shook his head. “No, and I didn’t plan to come out to him,” he said. “Not yet.” 

They talked for an hour before Ilhoon went home. It calmed him down, and when he went to bed, he immediately drifted into sleep. However, before he could really fell asleep, his phone buzzed. He reached out his hand to grab his phone. He only opened one of his eyes to read the text he got.

_> > I know it’s late and you’re probably asleep but thank you so much. I’m really excited about our band. Please text me as soon as you got an answer from your friend. Sleep well!_

His heart quickened. His fingers clenched around his phone.

_< < Sorry, I fell asleep before I could tell you, but he said yes!!!_

_> > REALLY? OH MY GOD YOU CAN’T SEE ME BUT I’M LITERALLY CRYING _

He laughed quietly and was about to write something back when he got another message.

_> > Can I call you?_

Ilhoon yelled into his pillow, hoping he wouldn’t wake up anyone. He replied with a _yes_ and waited for Sungjae to call him. To his greatest surprise, it wasn’t just a normal call but a video call.

He accepted it.

His heart skipped a beat when he saw Sungjae. He was lying in his bed. His eyes were tired, his hair disheveled, but his voice was still cheerful as he greeted Ilhoon. Seeing Sungjae this vulnerable made Ilhoon’s heart ache. Though, it was a _sweet_ feeling.

“Did I wake you up?” he asked.

“No,” Ilhoon said. “I couldn’t sleep,” he lied. In reality, he was just about to fell asleep. “So? Why did you call?”

“I don’t know? I guess I just wanted to talk to you,” Sungjae said, slightly blushing.

“But we could…”

“No,” Sungjae cut in. “It wanted something more personal than just texts,” he said, the blush on his face became more visible. “But if you don’t want to…”

He hated Sungjae. _It’s not fair,_ he thought. Sungjae was so confusing, acted too friendly, and never considered Ilhoon’s feelings. Well, probably because he didn’t know that Ilhoon had feelings for him, but still, he crossed a line. And not just once.

“No, it’s fine,” Ilhoon said. The truth, it was more than fine. Ilhoon was happy, but more than that, Sungjae irritated him. “And? Should I sing a lullaby or something?”

“Can you sing?” Sungjae asked curiously. “In the end, I have to compete against you to decide who’ll be the vocalist.”

Ilhoon laughed. “I thought we agreed on me being the vocalist.”

Sungjae grinned. “We should song duets.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

They fell silent for a few minutes.

“Hyung, how are we gonna do it?” Sungjae asked. “The band.”

“Oh.” That was a good question. Ilhoon didn’t give too much thought to it.

“We’ll need a lot of money for instruments, studio, and things like that.”

“I’ll look for a part-time job,” Ilhoon said, unsure. “And there is something more important than money.” Sungjae looked at him questioningly. “I can’t play any instruments.”

“I’ll teach you,” Sungjae said. “You said your friend could play drums, right? And he taught you how to play on the guitar.”

Ilhoon nodded. “Though he hadn’t played it in years.”

“Could I meet with him sometime?”

“Yeah, I’ll ask him when we could meet.” 

Sungjae ran his hand through his hair. “Thank you.”

“Oh, no need to…”

“It’s only thanks to you,” Sungjae cut in. “It’s all thanks to you.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry, I couldn’t tell you this in person, but I’m really really grateful. Ever since the day we met, you make me want to be better. If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably still play the same song over and over again alone in that classroom and go to Lapis Lazuli alone.”

Ilhoon remembered the lyrics of the new song. Was it about him? For a moment, he felt hopeful. Was he the one who gave Sungjae that push? Was he the one Sungjae _liked_?

“I’m thankful too,” he said. “I got to know a lot of new things thanks to you. I was living day by day without any motivation or dream, but then I kicked that door, and there was a new and unknown world on the other side.” He hid his face behind his pillow. People are usually more honest at night. “Call me cheesy or disgusting, but sometimes I think about our meeting as fate. Like it was inevitable.” He wanted to hit himself.

“I don’t think it’s disgusting. Yeah, it’s cheesy, but I also had the same thought,” he chuckled. 

Ilhoon heard voices from Sungjae’s side. He saw the other boy looking behind his back, and when he turned back, he had a disappointed expression on his face.

“My parents are back,” he sighed. “I have to go.”

“Okay.”

“Sleep well!”

“Good night, Sungjae!”


	14. Chapter 14

Is one-sided love better than none? Is it nobler than a love that is reciprocated? You give so much, and wish the best for the other person but don’t expect anything in return.

Is unrequited love “real love”? Some people say it isn’t. If it’s real love, then why does it hurt so bad? Does love hurt? Isn’t it things like jealousy, attachment, uncertainty, or expectations that hurt? Or are all of these emotions a part of love, and this is why love hurts?

_What is love anyway?_

Ilhoon stared out of the window. It had been raining since morning. He remembered something he had heard on the radio a while ago. It was something about one-sided love. The radio host said that one-sided love was still love. Moreover, he said something like loving someone is a blessing. He also remembered that the man said one-sided love was happiness too. At that time, Ilhoon didn’t know what those words meant, but now he finally understood it a little. 

Isn’t it incredible? How you think about them and wish them all the best? How they’re the center of your universe, and even the smallest thing they do for you makes you happy? Yes, your heart aches, but it can be sweet as well.

 _Maybe it isn’t that bad to experience one-sided love,_ Ilhoon thought. It helps you grow.

He sighed and started tapping on his desk with a pen. He was in the middle of writing some new lyrics. He didn’t know where to start. There were too many things he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how to express himself. He just scribbled on the paper.

“What is love anyway?” he murmured to himself.

When he thought about what the worst thing about unrequited love was, the first thing that came to his mind was _longing_. You long for that person. You long for his touch, his warmth. You long to be loved by them.

Is it still pure and selfless if you long and desire all of these things? Isn’t it selfish wanting to be someone dear to them or wanting them to be yours one day? 

He thought about Your Warmth. Was Sungjae feeling the same way? Was he experiencing the same kind of love Ilhoon was?

He took his phone in his hand to send a message to Eunkwang. He was thinking too hard about these things. His head was already dizzy.

_< < What is love?_

He put his phone down and wrote _love_ on one of the papers.

“Isn’t it just attachment?” he whispered. “What if I just mistake love for attachment?”

His phone buzzed.

He opened the app. However, the one who sent him a message wasn’t Eunkwang but Sungjae. Which would have been okay if Ilhoon didn’t send that question accidentally to him instead of Eunkwang.

_> > Hmm… That’s a good question. I don’t think there is a perfect definition of love. It’s easier to experience it than describe it haha. If you ask me, it’s something pure and selfless?? I mean, you place the other person’s happiness above yours. You think of them as someone equal and consider what’s best for them. You enjoy being with them but don’t want to bind them? I think that’s attachment. I mean binding them. All in all, I don’t know what love is._

Ilhoon was shocked. Firstly, he didn’t expect that he would be such a careless idiot and send that to Sungjae. Secondly, he didn’t expect such a serious text to the question he sent only because he was frustrated.

_> > Are you writing lyrics?_

_< < Yeah_

_< < I’m about to give up though_

Sungjae sent a cute sticker. Ilhoon couldn’t hold back his smile. He was so happy. He was happy every time he talked to Sungjae. But it wasn’t just talking. He was happy even when he thought about what they’ll do together the next time they meet or what things he would do with him in the future.

_> > Do you want to go to Lapis Lazuli? Ultramarine is performing on Saturday._

_> > You could invite your friend too_

Only four days had passed since that disastrous day when Ilhoon asked Sungjae to form a band with him. He didn’t introduce Sungjae and Eunkwang to each other yet. Somehow it sounded horrible.

_< < Okay, I’ll ask him_

This time, he called Eunkwang. He didn’t want to send another text mistakenly to someone else. Eunkwang answered the call.

“Hi, I just wanted to ask if you’d like to come with us to Lapis Lazuli this Saturday,” he said with one breath.

“Hi,” Eunkwang laughed. “What?”

“Would you like to come with us to Lapis Lazuli?” he asked again. “This Saturday.”

“Yeah, why not,” he sounded excited. “I can finally meet with Sungjae. You won’t introduce us to each other anyway.”

Ilhoon groaned. “It’s not like that.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ilhoon could see the smug look on his friend’s face.

They talked for a few minutes then hung up. Ilhoon stood up and laid down on his bed. He plugged his earphones in and played a random song from his playlist.

_Ultramarine - It’s Autumn Again_

He laughed but turned serious. He suddenly needed to text Sungjae.

_< < Aren’t Ultramarine’s love songs about attachment and not love?_

_> > What do you mean?_

_< < Wait I call you_

Sungjae answered the call immediately. 

“Hi, Sungjae,” Ilhoon greeted him, embarrassed. It was one thing talking about this through texts and another talking through the phone. He thanked it wasn’t in person. That would be the worst.

“Hi!” He felt those so-called butterflies in his stomach. “So? What about those songs?”

“I was just wondering if their songs like It’s Autumn Again, Starting Again or Your Mug are about attachment. I mean, whoever wrote those songs is feeling attachment toward the other person and not love,” he explained. “I might be wrong.”

“I thought the same,” Sungjae said. “They clearly hurt each other in those songs, and even though they have their sweet moments, it’s more about the desire to have that person only for you, and I think they’re only together because they’re scared to lose the other.”

Ilhoon hummed. “I wonder which member had or has a relationship like this.” He sighed and added in a low voice, “It must be hard.” He didn’t say it out loud, but he thought: _maybe one-sided love isn’t that bad._


	15. Chapter 15

“You look a lot happier,” Ilhoonʼs father said during lunch.

It was Saturday. _That Saturday._ The day when Ilhoon would finally introduce Sungjae and Eunkwang to each other. He feared this day for multiple reasons. For example, Eunkwang knew about many of his embarrassing stories, and he was sure heʼd tell them to Sungjae. Also, he knew about his feelings for Sungjae, so he expected Eunkwang to be the matchmaker for them.

“Do I?” he asked uninterestedly.

His father ignored Ilhoonʼs tone and continued. “I’m actually glad. You looked depressed lately.”

Ilhoon just shrugged. “I’m going to meet my friends in the afternoon. I don’t know when I’ll get home,” he said. “Eunkwang is coming too, so you donʼt have to worry. I won’t come home alone.”

“And where are you going?” His father’s fiancée asked. “To that café again?” 

Ilhoon nodded. 

“I want to go with you,” Yeojin whined. 

“You can’t,” he patted the girl's head. 

“Why? You never play with me.” She pouted. It was hard to resist. “And lately, you’ve been spending a lot of time with your friends.”

“Will your new friend be there as well?” his father asked. 

Ilhoon’s hand trembled. “Yeah. It'll be the three of us.” 

“I hope you’ll introduce him to us,” his father took a bite. 

“I'm curious too.” His fiancée nodded in agreement. 

“I’ll invite him over,” Ilhoon said and stood up. He felt nauseated. 

He went back into his room, closed the door behind him, and fell on his bed. He stared at the ceiling. He felt like his brain had been continuously thinking and thinking and thinking. It was so tiring trying to figure out what he felt for Sungjae, what would he do if someone found out he was gay, how should they start the band. He had a lot to think about, but the more he did, the more confused he got.

“I should just take a break from everything,” he muttered to the ceiling and rolled to his side. He plugged his earphones in and closed his eyes after Mono Drama started playing.

He was already drifting into sleep when his phone rang. Sungjae.

“Hi, Sungjae,” he said after answering the call.

“Hyung, Chaewon texted me,” he started. “She said she’d help us with the band. She already has the experience and would be happy to share her knowledge with us.”

Ilhoon sat up abruptly. “What?” The realization hit him. They were really about to form a band. “And what about the studio? Aren’t we supposed to do it tomorrow?”

“She said we could go around three.”

“Okay.” He didn’t want to admit, but he started getting nervous. He had never been to a studio, he didn’t even know how this whole music recording process would work.

“I can’t believe it’s really happening,” Sungjae said. “How was your day, by the way?” This question surprised Ilhoon. He thought Sungjae would just hang up once they finished talking about the band.

“Boring, I guess,” he replied. “Yours?”

“Same,” he chuckled. “Hyung, thank you so much. You can’t even imagine how happy you made me.”

That funny feeling in his stomach bothered Ilhoon. He had never been in love, this was the first time, and he hated every second of it. He just wanted to enjoy his high school days without any disturbance.

“I’m glad,” he said.

“Hyung, I think it’s time to tell you something very important. I probably should keep it secret and never mention it, but I don’t think it would be fair. I just hope you’ll understand me,” Sungjae said.

“What is it, Sungjae?”

“I-” He took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you at Lapis Lazuli. Your friend should know about it too. I thought about it a lot, and I decided it was better to tell you now before we actually start it.”

Ilhoon gulped. He wondered what the other boy wanted to say. It could have been anything, and Ilhoon didn’t want to hope.

“Okay,” he said. “But you don’t have to tell us now if you don’t feel fully ready, okay? Whatever you want to say, I’m sure we’ll understand it.”

“Thank you.” Ilhoon could hear a relieved sigh. “I have to go now and prepare for the meeting. I made a list of things we should discuss if we really want to do this.”

“Okay.”

“Bye, hyung!”

Ilhoon screamed into his pillow. He felt so unprepared. Sungjae had been thinking about the band ever since Ilhoon suggested to form one. He was so excited about it, Ilhoon could tell. On the other hand, Ilhoon himself was not excited at all. Or maybe he was a little, especially because he was going to do it with Sungjae, but more than that, he was very scared.

Okay, but who wouldn’t be scared? Without any experience, ability to play on any instrument, and only with a few people who could be their audience. 

He opened the notes on his phone and started typing.

_Find a teacher. - > How much will it cost?_   
_Money - > Part-time job. Where? _   
_Studio - > Money, how much will it cost?_   
_Instrument - > What should he buy? MONEY?????_

He scratched the back of his head. He didn't know what he was doing but didn't want to show up unprepared. Even if it was only a few things, it showed that he also gave some thoughts to it.

He got a message from Eunkwang.

_> > Ilhoon!!!!!!!!_

_> > I got you guys a job_

_> > Only if you want it too, of course_

_> > There is this guy I went on a date for a few times. You know the one who had a shop with instruments, musical equipment, and supplies. We’re still friends and I told him _ _about our band, and he said if any of you needs a job then just call him. He’s looking for a part-timer because the previous one quit recently._

_< < WHAT OMG THAT’S GREAT_

_< < I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT WHERE SHOULD I LOOK FOR A JOB_

_< < We should talk about this with Sungjae as well_

_> > Okay, I’ll tell him when we meet!_

_< < THANK YOU HYUNG_

_< < YOU'RE THE BEST_

_> > hehe~_


	16. Chapter 16

By the time Ilhoon got to Lapis Lazuli, Sungjae and Eunkwang had already been there, chatting cheerfully. Ilhoon wanted to go with Eunkwang, but he had other plans before their meeting, so Ilhoon could just hope he would be faster than his neighbor. _Unfortunately, he wasn’t._

“Hi,” he greeted them. “I don’t have to introduce you two to each other, I see.”

“Yeah,” Eunkwang grinned. “He’s a nice boy,” he said, impressed, and looked Sungjae up and down. “Also, don’t worry, I told him all of your embarrassing stories.”

Ilhoon grimaced and lightly kicked his friend in the shin. “He can be a lot,” he turned to Sungjae. “Anyway, shouldn’t we go in?” He pointed at the door and waited for the other boys to follow him. 

It didn’t even take them twenty minutes to be in utter despair. Forming a band seemed more complicated than they’d imagined. First of all, they needed money. A lot. Eunkwang was the only adult with an actual job, but he had other priorities. He couldn’t just spend all of it on the band.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Chaewon called me not long before I got here. We can’t do the recordings tomorrow,” Sungjae said, playing with a pen. “She said she would text me when we could go.”

“Okay,” Ilhoon nodded. “Shouldn’t we practice, by the way?”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be bad. I don’t even know our songs,” Eunkwang said. “And Ilhoon can’t play.”

“I’m working on it.”

“Sill,” Eunkwang sighed. “Isn’t it too fast? We should do it step by step. And the first step should be choosing a name, then learning our songs, then we can go and record some songs.” He glanced toward the counter. “Maybe I can ask the owner to let us play here.”

“Wait, what? You know the owner?!” Ilhoon raised his eyebrows.

“What do you think, who got that job to my ex.” He smiled proudly.

“What? Really? You never told me!” Ilhoon said, slightly offended.

“Sorry, I just didn’t think it was that important,” he said. “Sorry.” He looked around and opened his mouth to say something, but he changed his mind as he noticed something. Or more like _someone._ “Ugh, my shitty ex is there.” He hid his face behind the papers.

“Yeah, he comes here pretty often,” Ilhoon said, following the man with his eyes. “But you should know that.”

“Who?” Sungjae leaned closer to Eunkwang. “Which one is it?”

“That guy in that ugly blue shirt,” he replied, still hiding. “I bought him that, by the way.”

Ilhoon laughed.

“Oh, him? I talked to him before,” Sungjae said. “I didn’t really like him, to be honest.”

“You talked to him?” The paper fell out from Eunkwang’s hands as he turned to the younger boy. Ilhoon was just as surprised, and stopped his hand midway with the glass in his hand.

“Yeah, he was hitting on me, but I told him I was underage and I didn’t want anything from him, so he left. It’s been kind of awkward between us since then. Well, not that we meet that often, but you just can feel something happened between us because the mood gets so so so awkward when we’re for example by the counter.”

“Holy-” Eunkwang shook his head. “When was this? Before or after his new boyfriend?”

“I don’t know,” Sungjae hummed. “I saw them together a few times before he came to me, so maybe they were fighting at that time?” He paused for a second. “But I saw them together again a few days later.”

As the three of them were glaring at him angrily, the man noticed them. He looked away at first but then decided to wave. Eunkwang just turned away.

“I’m actually glad we broke up.”

“Understandable,” Ilhoon chuckled.

“Hey,” Sungjae scratched the back of his head. “Does that mean you’re gay?” He whispered the question so no one would hear them.

“Yeah,” Eunkwang nodded. “I hope it’s not a problem for you. But if you feel uncomfortable, just tell me, I’ll quit right away.”

“No, that’s not it.” He glanced at Ilhoon. “I told you there was something I wanted to tell you, right?”

Ilhoon nodded.

“Me too,” he said. “I like boys.”

There were a few seconds of silence before Eunkwang started laughing. He looked at his friend as if he was waiting for something. And well, he was. And Ilhoon knew this. Ilhoon knew Eunkwang would understand it if he didn’t want to come out yet. However, Ilhoon felt like this might be his only chance.

He gulped and took a deep breath. “Me too,” he whispered.

“What?” Sungjae’s face lit up. “Wait, what? All three of us?” He laughed.

Ilhoon hated himself for suddenly feeling so hopeful. Sungjae liking boys didn’t mean he liked him too. Or at least not as a love interest.

“It’s gonna be pretty interesting.” Eunkwang looked at Ilhoon. “I’m curious how things will turn out.” He straightened on his chair and with a pen in his hand, he started scribbling on the paper. “So our name. Any suggestions?”

Sungjae shook his head. Ilhoon, on the other hand, had to force himself to concentrate. His thoughts were running wild. He was excited and scared at the same time, and this strange mix of emotions made him feel nauseated. He had so many things to lose, yet he could gain so many things.

“We should choose something impressive,” Sungjae said, deep in thoughts. “Something meaningful?”

“Boys On The Moon,” Ilhoon murmured, staring at the paper. He wasn't fully there, he didn't even think over what he just said.

“Okay, that's not that bad," Sungjae said. "And why did-”

“I don't know. I just said the first thing that came to my mind.”

Both Sungjae and Eunkwang laughed at that. Ilhoon glanced at Sungjae. He felt so overwhelmed seeing the other boy laughing so cheerfully.

“I was about to suggest EIS or some other variation with those letters, but Ilhoon’s sounds better,” Eunkwang said.

“How unoriginal,” Ilhoon grinned. “Sungjae? Any suggestions?”

“Not really.” He took the pen out of Eunkwang’s hand and wrote down the two names. He bit the end of the pen. “Let’s go with Ilhoon hyung’s name, and if we find something better, we’ll change it. What do you say?”

“I’m sorry for butting in, but Boys From The Classroom wouldn’t be more suitable? I mean, I didn’t meet you there, but you two did, and it was what started everything, wasn’t it?”

Ilhoon and Sungjae locked eyes and just stared at each other for a long moment. Eunkwang had to look away, he felt like he was intruding.

“I'm gonna be honest with you but that doesn’t sound good. What about Nostalgia?”

“Nostalgia In The Old Classroom?” Sungjae asked.

“Better,” Ilhoon nodded. 

They were still staring at each other, and Eunkwang couldn’t help but feel like he was third-wheeling. “Okay, so did we decide? Or should we just skip this step and come back when we have better ideas?”

Ilhoon cleared his throat and looked at his friend. “I don’t know.”

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on twitter yay: 6vanillakiss


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